Navigating the minefield of Rebecca syndrome in modern relationships

Comparing yourself to those with whom your partner was previously involved and feeling jealous of those past relationships can result in unconstructive behaviours. This emotional state has its terms.

In some relationships, even mentioning an ex-partner can cause insecurity to surge. People experiencing this may often check the profiles of their partner’s exes on social media, wondering if they are adequate replacements. It turns out this behaviour has a specific name.

The term "Rebecca Syndrome" was coined by psychoanalyst Dr. Darian Leader. It is inspired by the 1938 novel "Rebecca" by Daphne du Maurier. The book tells the story of a young woman whose relationship is overshadowed by the lingering memories of her husband’s deceased wife, Rebecca. Convinced she can never compare to her predecessor, the unnamed protagonist falls apart as she tries to emulate Rebecca, leading to disastrous consequences.

In reality, Rebecca Syndrome is a new way of describing a shared experience - retroactive jealousy. It is an obsessive behaviour pattern involving worry and distress over a partner’s romantic history. According to psychotherapist Neil Wilkie, we might feel this way because of the mystery surrounding past relationships. We often hear only fragments of these stories, which are frequently negative.

Clinical psychologist Haikal Jamilson highlighted on Instagram, "This rise of social media has fuelled the increase in cases of Rebecca syndrome. If you are struggling with this jealousy, it is important that you speak to your partner and not fill in the blanks in your narrative as you are very likely to focus on the negatives."

Signs that you might be dealing with Rebecca Syndrome include comparing yourself to previous partners, an inability to stop thinking about the past, and trust issues. In an interview with "Newsweek," psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley explained, "The individual may engage in controlling or intrusive behavior, such as checking their partner’s messages or trying to isolate them from others, in an attempt to manage their jealousy."

These feelings can stem from a lack of self-confidence or unresolved challenging experiences that need addressing. They can also be a reaction to issues with communication or commitment within the relationship. Therapy or psychological counselling (individual or couples) can provide insight into the problems. They can also offer tools to ensure jealous thoughts do not translate into harmful actions.